Benson's Blog

Angela's Birthday

2006-03-14T17:02:00.000-06:00

Today is Angela's birthday. She's 19 years old today, and more beautiful than the sunrise. I just wanted to post a few poems that I found in honor of our fragile ballerina on her birthday. Happy birthday sweetie, we love you!

In the arms of an angel

fly away from here

from this dark cold hotel room

and the endlessness that you fear

you are pulled from the wreckage

of your silent reverie

you're in the arms of the angel

may you find some comfort there
---Sarah Mcglachlin

Memories

Memories are images
reflections of the years,
moments never failing
of our laughter and our tears.
Photos in an album
captured unaware,
or a lock of baby's hair.
Memories that linger
in the corners of our mind
moments we cherished,
once upon a time.---by Eveline Smith

Ballerina

Bright eyes wide, alert and ready;
waif like figure, so petite.
Arms outstretched, poised and steady;
muscles tense and dainty feet.
So fragile, but so full of power;
her gentle form deceives the eye.
Up on pointes she seems to tower
you'd almost think that she could fly,
with gravity defying leap;
Arabesque and Pas de Bas.
From the wings the others peep
all adore her from afar.
--author unknown

Dance, Ballerina Dance

Moment filled with memories
She stoops to fix her shoe
Her heart is racing quickly
Her dress rehearsal due

Stage is like an ocean
Where crystals seems to shine
Beckons her to dance upon
Reflections of life's time

Suddenly she rises
She sees the magic there
Running in a gust of wind
She dances with great flair

Movement of a willow
So gracious as she sways
Gentle sounds of orchestra
Each step her grand ballet

Destiny is born now
Her graceful moves divine
Pirouettes across the stage
Her shadow now aligns

Dance of life begins now
Her music special score
Bowing for the audience
She hears the words encore.

In memory of Angela Danae Hallford (March 14, 1987 -- July 11,1991)

Spring Break--A whole lot of nothin'

2006-03-13T08:09:00.000-06:00

This is part of the reason that I got into teaching. I love Spring Break. My students have been asking me what I was going to do with the time off. My response---a whole lot of nothin'. I love doin' nothin'. Oh sure, it turns out to be somethin', but I like that it starts out as nothin'. Nothin' planned, no place that I gotta be, no time schedule that I gotta keep. Nothin's great!!!

So.....here I am doin' somethin that was born out of nothin'. Yep....doin' nothin'.

Now what....hmmmmmm.......still doin nothin' (ok I'll let it go now)

This last week I was evaluated at school. As a first year teacher, it seems like I'm always being evaluated (mostly by the students). I get evaluated by the alternative certification program, there's a program at my school to monitor all teachers that are new to the district, and then there is the formal evaluation by the administration.
Evaluations don't bother me like they do some teachers, mainly because all they are evaluating is presentation and classroom management. At the risk of sounding cocky, I'm very good at presentation and classroom management. In fact, its really the presentation that takes care of the classroom management. I have been told that I have a very engaging presentation style.
Enough about me!.....So, when they came to go over my evaluation(that was funny and you know it) they stressed that proficient was the target and that if you scored in the proficient category then you were doing your job. The category of exceeds means exactly that, you exceeded your job.
I scored an exceeds in 3 out of 4 categories and was at the highest level of proficient in the 4th category. I was blown away!
I don't have a teaching persona like many teachers that I know. I am no different in front of a classroom than I am with my friends (which one day will probably get me fired, but for now I'm enjoying the ride)
I teach Algebra 2 mostly with 1 class of Algebra 1, and I am often told that my class is their favorite class of the day. That's the evaluation that matters most to me!

On another note....I learned last week that for the first time, my school is going to offer an AP Statistics class next year. The really big news is that I will probably get to teach that class.
AP classes are advanced placement classes, which means that if the students pass the national AP test then they can receive college credit for the class.

My week of nothin' has turned into developing a curriculum that will prepare students for passing the AP test. I'm really excited about teaching this class.

Anyway...back to doin nothin'

Family

2006-03-12T10:34:00.000-06:00

Family is who you choose to invest in. Not financially but emotionally. Blood sometimes creates an automatic investment...like a parent child investment. Other times their is no blood shared between members but there is investment none the less. That investment is how we know one another, and the greater the investment the better we know each other. For example when your out shopping you see a shirt and you think to yourself "so and so would love that shirt" or you see a movie and you think "I cant wait to tell so and so to go see this movie and I better tell 'other' so and so not to go see this movie". It's because we know each other like family.

Some blood families dont know each other because they choose not to invest in each other. We (the church) are a family, and because we are family we get mad at each other, we get our feelings hurt, we pout, we pout some more...but family doesnt run away when things get tough. Sure you can choose to stop investing in each other, but it doesnt change what we already know about each other.

Some of us are better at investing than others, and that means that they will know the family on a deeper level. Some of us have been investing in each other for years and some of us are blood family. That investment is not better its only different. Some of us have invested in our spouses and there may even be someone out there as deep in debt as I am but I keep investing anyway. Its the Lord that leads you to the people you invest in. He puts them in your path and you make a choice to invest or not, and if he really wants you to invest, then that person will stay in your path, otherwise it was an opportunity to know someone on a deeper level that you missed out on.

Sometimes when we invest we make the mistake of expecting a return on that investment. Investments are inherently risky. After all "past performance is not a guarantee of future results". You could loose everything. Even to the point of bitterness.

Each investment is different. Some have very high yields with almost immediate results, others are long term which, like diamonds, take a very long time to see any returns. Some of them can be the forever "tease". It always looks like its about to break wide open and bury you with these great returns only to fall short, again and again. There are infinitly many of these different types of investments and we have seen most of them throughout our lives. But, a family invests in each other.

This family has grown, and the reason it has grown is because we "collectively" invest in Christ. He is the return that we seek...not salvation, not power, not the date of his glorious return, and not the winning numbers to the lottery. Just Him.

You see, the other stuff gets in the way. If we sat down and spent much time at all discussing our different theologies then we would easily find some areas of disagreement, and that would only be a distraction from what is trully important. If you believe in a water baptism or not....musical instruments or not....healing or not.....prophecy or not.....A-millenialst....Pre-millenialist....post millenialist....none of it matters. If you believe in working on the sabbath or not working on the sabbath....if you believe the sabbath is on saturday or sunday....if you think you should be circumcised or not....it doesnt matter. If you believe that we have to evangelize or not....love one another or not....be good christians or not....sin so that grace can abound or not....it does not matter. Focus on Him. Focus on Him. Focus on Him....it cant be said enough...Focus on Him....the rest will fall into place.

So what you just read raised your hackles....Focus on Him!!!!

We dont know what we are doing......Focus on Him!!!!

When you have finished exploring the height, width, breadth, and depth of Jesus Christ, then you can deal with the other stuff, but for now....Focus on Him.
We have failed, we are failing and we will continue to fail......don't give up failing. If all you get is 2 seconds a week with Christ then those will be the best 2 seconds of your week. And maybe a year from now your up to 2.25 seconds a week....Praise the Lord. Its still the best 2.25 seconds of your week.

Please, Please, Please, take the long term view of this journey. We are not heading for a goal....we are already at our destination (Christ) what is important is the journey. This journey will take the rest of your life. This journey will take you through the dryest desserts known to man(please make note that desserts was plural on purpose) but there are times that you get to the mountain top and you may even get to camp there a night or two maybe even longer, but the journey is not on top of the mountain, you have to eventually go down in the valley inorder to climb the next mountain, or swim in a meadow stream or glory in a field of wild flowers or get lost in the deep dark forest.
All of those places are in Christ. The journey is in Christ.

So....my parting words to my family......Enjoy the trip!!! I love family trips......are we there yet? , are we there yet? , are we there yet?....YES!!!

It isn't Fair

2006-01-08T11:44:00.000-06:00

My sister has cancer...and I don't like that. It sounds kinda stupid but that's what comes out whenever I think about it. It just seems to me (in my infinite wisdom) that she's been through enough. I mean...come on! The loss of a child is enough to push anyone over the edge...and at only 4 years old. Then there was the baby that had to be aborted because of the first time that she had cancer.
The cancer was supposed to be gone. It was supposed to be gone! It isn't fair!
I hear that from my students all the time. It isn't fair! Who are we to say what isn't fair? What is fair? Is it fair that Tom Cruise has all that money. Tom and I are about the same age...same height. If life was fair then we would split his money...right? Communism was supposed to be fair, and look what happened with that!
Yet, I still feel that it isn't fair.
Its a phrase that we hear from kids a lot, and when Kim and I were kids "fair" was a big word. If there was a candy bar that we were supposed to share, then we would split it...but it was never fair...she always convinced me that she got the bigger half. We even had a system for splitting things...one of us would choose the dividing line and the other got first choice...sometimes it took an eternity to find the midpoint...and the agony of making a mistake was tremendous. Somehow...no matter if I was dividing or getting first choice...she always convinced me that I messed up...somehow I always got the short end of the stick, or candy bar in this case! No matter how fair we made it, my perception was that it wasn't fair.
Chores and duties around the house were decided by a coin toss, or rock, paper, sissors...none of which are "fair" games...at least not when your going against Kim. I never won! It wasn't fair!
Thinking about the chores made me think about the times spent washing the dishes.
Kim has always loved singing...I loved it too, but it was inside of her just dying to come out. When we were kids, every night after dinner (we actually had dinner at a table with real dishes, and pots and pans...the whole works) we were to wash and dry the dishes (no dishwasher...or two dishwashers depending on how you look at it). It was those times that Kim would teach me a song so that she could harmonize with it. Sometimes she would get mad because I would drift from the melody that I was supposed to be singing into the harmony that she was singing, but most of the time we laughed. Sometimes we would get to giggling so hard that we couldn't sing for a while. Those were good times...thanks sis!
The other day Kim walked in and I don't know why but I just said "hey baldy"...she laughed but everybody else cringed. The Chemo has caused her to lose her hair, and it was real hard on her when it started...but it's not her hair that makes her beautiful. It's whats inside, and whats inside comes out as a perpetual smile and child-like giggles.
Believe it or not, when we were growing up I provided many of the giggles. Not by saying something funny but by the precarious situations that I would find myself in. Like the time I got locked in the cabinet under the kitchen sink, or the time I got locked in mom and dad's bathroom (don't ask...about either one...it just happened). Kim would always come to my rescue...all I had to do was call...and she'd be there. When she finished laughing (sometimes she was actually incapacitated by the laughter) she would save me from the perils I would bring upon myself, only to remind me about them later...usually with lots of people around...and then there was lots more laughter.
Growing up in our house meant you laughed a lot (years later we found out we had a nitrous oxide leak...thats a joke, bill). Laughing has always been a large part of Kim's life...most of the time we laughed together...some of the time she laughed at my expense. Like the time I ate the banana that wasn't really a banana, or the time she stuck the dandelion in my mouth, or the time that my name, said with a Mexican accent, became "Bean" (that one actually made me cry).
All I can say is that she's lucky she was born first!
I can look back now and say that I'm glad I was able to bring her such joy...at the time, however, I really didn't think it was fair!

I love you Kim, and thanks for being a GREAT sister. Then, and especially now.
Get well...I still need rescuing every once in while.

I'm a "cool" teacher

2006-01-07T08:07:00.000-06:00

(this blog actually came from the other posting for the day "Teachers have a Great Job" when I found how off track I was...so here it is)
As an algebra teacher, your not teaching the favorite subject of most people. I also assign homework every night except the day of a test. And all of my students tell me that I am the only teacher that makes them do any work the day before we go on holiday ( Thanksgiving, and Christmas). I have since found out that students don't always tell the truth (my how things have changed since I was a student). In spite of all that, my students like me because I'm "cool"(I always have been so why should that change just because I became a teacher). I realize that sounds like an arrogant statement so let me explain. To the students "cool" means that I don't enforce all the rules of the school. Now, before I take a lot of heat for that, you have to understand that there are a lot of rules, and some are pretty ridiculous. There are more students serving "in school suspension" for dress code violations than anything else. Violations like boys hair being longer than half way down their ears, or wearing flip flops to school. Wearing shorts that are too short (that means that they don't come down to the knees). Often I walk into the men's room to find a male student shaving, because it violates school policy to have facial hair, this often means five o'clock shadow.
Most of the students think that I'm "cool" because I don't enforce these rules, little do they know that I really don't know the rules so it's hard for me to enforce them. But, there are lot of teachers that are very "versed" in the rules, and have a very keen eye for violations. In fact, most of the teachers are like that. Most of the teachers are constantly telling the students to keep moving in the hallways...not to stand around talking. Now I admit that sometimes when the students congregate in one spot it makes it very difficult to navigate the stream (sometimes I feel like a salmon trying to swim upstream). But, I remember the time between classes was when I got to talk with friends and see girl friends, in fact, the time between classes was the best part of the day other than lunch. My point is that the students see teachers as cops.
And in some respects we are. We are charged with enforcing rules decided upon by somebody else. And, I despise that part of my job.
Most of the time I don't do it.
My concern is for an atmosphere of learning...that means that I am concerned about what happens in my classroom.
It seems as though every student has a cell phone, and the students are pretty good at text messaging. I know this because I catch them doing it all the time. Students don't pass notes anymore (not true, but they don't pass as many), they text each other.
The rule in the school that I work at is that cell phones are not to be used during the school day. That means from 8:40 to 3:45. As a teacher we're supposed to confiscate the phone if we see it. The phone will be kept for 5 school days and be returned to the student when they pay a $15 fine.
I've confiscated 2 phones this year. One I confiscated because it rang during my class...I gave it back at the end of the day (he had an alarm set to remind him to talk to me about his grade...not one of my better students). The other one I confiscated was because the student was text messaging in my class (I had already caught her once and told her to put it away...she couldn't resist...she is one of my better students). I gave it back to her the next day. She was trying to console the girl who had been crying because her boyfriend broke up with her (I actually considered getting phone girl to take crying girl to the bathroom so that she wouldn't be such a huge distraction to the class).
My point is that I'm a teacher, not a cop. I care about the rules that pertain to my classroom...my rules. I also care about the safety of the students, but when it comes to the length of hair or girls having more that 2 earrings in an ear or boys having earrings at all, I really don't care and I leave it up to those that do care to police it.
Being a "cool" teacher is how I get my students to perform for me. It's how I motivate them. I hear it in their voices when they don't perform up to the standard that I've set for them. I expect a lot out of my kids, and they know it. I have students drop by my room at all times of the day...they knock on my door to say hi and make funny faces. Is it a distraction? Sure it is. But who doesn't need to be distracted every once in a while. There are times in the middle of a lesson that I'll stop and tell a joke...anything to get their attention. Sometimes I'll quote a line from a movie (shock, shock)...or start singing a song. Why? Because I want to be that crazy teacher that you pay attention to because you might miss something good.
That's why I'm the "cool" teacher. Besides that, you just cant help being who you are!

Teachers have a Great Job

2006-01-07T07:15:00.000-06:00

First I have to apologize to all the teachers that I have ever talked to or about and said how easy they must have it. I mean, come on....3 months off in the summer...2 weeks at Christmas...another week in the spring...and then every holiday that comes along they close school. Your work day is only from 8 to 4....what a cakewalk of a job. They like to complain about the pay too, but if you actually figure out what they would get paid if they worked a full year instead of only 9 months then its nothin' to sneeze at.
The title of this post is "Teachers have a Great job" and its true...but not for any of the reasons listed above.
I am a first year high school math teacher. I teach Algebra 1 and Algebra 2, which means that I interact with 14 and 16 year olds for the largest part of my day. Now the 14 year olds....I could do without (some of 'em aren't too bad), but the juniors (the 16 year olds)...are right on the cusp of becoming "real" people. At the beginning of the year I was totally shocked at the difference in maturity level between the two. The funny part is that before the year began I was lobbying to get all algebra 1 classes because I thought I would be more comfortable with the material, but I ended up with four Algebra 2 classes and two Algebra 1 classes. The Lord is amazing in the way that he puts us where we'll do the most good, thank you Lord.
As a first year teacher every thing goes so fast. I remember being amazed at the pace of the day in those first weeks. Students come in...I take roll...I start teaching...I barely finish the lesson as the bell rings...students leave and as they are leaving new ones are coming in...I take roll...I start teaching...you get the idea. This happens until its time for my 25 minute lunch and then it starts over for 3 more classes and then the students leave. I sit in my chair, and think, I hope its not like this everyday.
Well the next day is not the same...its worse. Because I assigned homework yesterday, now I have to check it. I give the answers so that they can see how they did and ask any questions. Unfortunately they do ask questions...I answer questions...and more questions...and more questions...finally no more questions. I start to teach the lesson for today and the bell rings. Great, after two days I am now behind a day...all the other teachers managed to get the lesson done and move on.
Am I panicked....you bet! How am I ever going to keep up with all the other teachers.
Eventually I settle in to a rhythm and find my grove. Here it is one week before semester exams and I'm only two days behind the other teachers. My students are learning the material and doing very well. My classes are upbeat and light and yet we still learn the material, and I am told by the students that they look forward to coming to my class.
I love it when a student says "now I get it" or "I've never done this well in a math class before". The other teachers are surprised when I tell them that I have trouble getting throughout the material because of all the questions. Most of the other teachers don't get asked that many questions. I hope its because I'm approachable and not because I'm confusing.
At the beginning of the year my day started at 6:30 am in the class room preparing for the day, and most days ended at about 5:30 or 6:00.
My first class of the day is at 9:35 (1st period is my conference period). So what am I doing for 3 hours before my first class. Most of the time I'm learning the lesson that I am about to teach (there's nothing worse than not being prepared...thoroughly prepared). I answer emails from parents and administrators...I grade papers (scantrons would be nice but hard to give partial credit).
Here we are halfway through the year and I usually don't go in until 7:00 and I leave most of the time at 4:00 (classes let out at 3:45), and I rarely bring work home any more, although as I type this I have tests from 2 classes that need to be graded.
I don't get paid much, I work a lot of hours, and I get complained to a lot by students, parents, teachers, and administrators. Parents seem to think that there is something magical about the one hour a day that I spend with their child. They think that I should be successful in motivating their child when they have failed. I always motivated my children with the threat of violence, but the state has taken that away, so now what am I supposed to do. By the way, before we all freak out, by violence I mean a simple spanking (complex spankings required something very heinous).
So what's to like about my job? I don't know!
I find that I love the kids. I want them all to be successful. My heart broke the other day because one of my students was crying her eyes out because her boyfriend broke up with her. I found that I wanted to hurt him the way that he had hurt her. I found that I envisioned my own daughter sitting there hurting like that.
I feel like I've failed when my classes aren't successful on a test. I feel like I dropped the ball and didn't find the right way to present the material. It really hurts.
I want to remember these feelings because I think it goes away over time. I look and listen to the other teachers and the way that they complain about the students and I worry that I'll turn into that. That I'll forget the way that I feel today.
I hope that's not the case, and that 10 years from now I still feel the same way about the students. I hope I still care about their success. I hope that I still see them as "my" kids.
Meanwhile, I cant help but rejoice in how great my job is. Thank you Lord for leading me here.

New Years Eve Gift

2006-01-01T23:40:00.000-06:00

This is a picture of the gift that I got at the gift exchange that we had on New Years Eve(actually I had to steal it...twice).
We had a great night at Sheila's ringing in the new year. We played an energetic game called "I never", and we heard a reading of Donna's journal recounting all the significant events that the Church experienced in 2005. We had the Chinese gift exchange. Everybody brought something of the Lord that they desired for the upcoming year. When I saw this I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt what gift I wanted.

We also had a very short conference call with the Church in Jacksonville...we sang "I see my savior in each face" and wished each other a happy new year.
Sarah read a letter from Gene that was a follow-up on the Thanksgiving conference held in Jacksonville, and I read a copy of the History of the Church in Arlington that I have been working on.
What a great way to start the new year...to be with the other portions of the Lord.

At the end of the night Sarah suggested we sing a song together before we left. Thank you Sarah. It was the best part of the night. The first thing we did in 2006 was spend time with the Lord. It was fantastic!! Thank you saints. Thank you for loving the Lord, and be willing to waste your life pursuing Jesus. You make her beautiful.

Oh Brother....

2005-12-31T10:43:00.000-06:00

Ok...if it hasnt been clear that I've been talking about my brothers in Christ then let me remove all doubt. The brothers that I have been talking about are brothers in the Church. And we did all move for Dad (which by the way is God...I call him Dad because we're on very familiar terms). Dad's #1 boy, aka... his "real" son is Jesus (I call him my big brother because he is the son of God and we have been adopted...I think you can follow the logic). Is it heresy? I really dont care...call it what you like...to me it's just love...his love for me and my love for him.

The brothers that I wrote about are Don, Bob, Lon, Ev, Bill, Mike, Aaron, and Dan. Russell is the brother that I dont get to see as much as I would like. He lives a little further away than the rest of my brothers and therefor he is spared from much of the "dyin'" that the rest of us go through. It's unfortunate, but a fact non the less.

I moved into this neighborhood along with my wife...to experience a greater expression of Jesus Christ. This group of people...(I call them brothers and sisters, because they are...I'm serious when I say that)...This group of people have shown me that they will sacrifice in order to achieve an everyday expression of Him. This life is not about having time...its not about being convienient...its about passion.

I saw the movie "The Passion of Christ". It was brutal what Jesus went through, and the movie was very graphic, and probably pretty accurate in its display of pain and suffering endured by our Lord. What was not made very clear by that movie was what His passion was. His passion was/is Her. His Bride...THE CHURCH...that collective body of "me's". He went through the cross to get to Her...the grain is crushed, a brand new race...the mystery unveiled.

The Church has that same kind of passion for Him. She will go through the cross to get to Him. It's important that you notice that I said "She" will go through the cross. As individuals we really just dont have it in us to go through that kind of pain and suffering...but "She" does.

I see moving to the neighborhood as a show of passion. It's a passion of sharing a life together. We call it "Churchlife". Churchlife is not something that can be experienced from a distance. You have to get your feet wet. Churchlife is getting to know someone...finding out you really dont like them...but because you get the Lord so richly from them...you would throw yourself on a grenade for them. And yes...it is very bizare...even I find it hard to believe...yet somewhere inside it makes complete sense. It can only be described as passion.

I know that some people who have not made that move are going to feel left out, possibly abandoned, maybe even unwanted. That's ok, because dyin' is the only way to live. I guarantee you that movin to the neighborhood doesnt necesarily make you feel any less left out, abandoned, or unwanted. In fact, it probably makes it worse because distance is no longer a probable cause. If you are struggling with those feelings...then you may want to consider what your passion is.

John Barrie (the author of Peter Pan) once said that "One's religion is whatever he is most interested in". What is your religion? What are you most interested in? What is your passion?

We need to pursue our passion. The passion of Christ is his bride, we are his bride, our passion should be Christ. My passion is Christ...and I will dig through you(which sometimes is my cross) to pursue my passion...you may have to do some diggin of your own. Count it all joy my brothers. Count it all joy!

Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?

2005-12-30T15:36:00.000-06:00

In my last post I wrote about how my brothers and I had moved into a neighborhood together in order to be closer to Dad. Now I hope to explain that a little more. You see, my brothers and I really don't have much in common other than Dad. We didnt grow up together...we come from different parts of the country...and as for our ages, were pretty spread out (across almost 40 years if memory serves me). We dont look alike...and we certainly dont talk alike, in fact one of my brothers talks so funny that you would think he was adopted...come to think of it, he was. In fact, we've all been adopted...but you would never know it if I hadnt told you.

When I told you about my brothers, I left one out. He's Dad's "real" son, and he's outta this world. He looks just like Dad...I mean... it's reeeaalll hard to tell them apart. A real "chip off the old block". And Dad loves him a lot...a whole lot. In fact, Dad's built his whole world around him.

Now, you'd think that kind of love and adoration would make the rest of us jealous, but Dad doesnt make us feel that way and his #1 son does'nt "Lord" it over us that he was the first born. He says that Dad chose us a long long time ago. I saw Dad's "will" one day and each of the brothers had an equal share and that includes his #1 boy. I've talked with my other brothers on many occasions about the inheritance that Dad gave to us and we all have trouble feeling worthy of such a huge portion. But Dad has assured us that we are worthy of everything he has...including his life.

It's that "blessed assurance" that "binds" us together...nothing else. Thats why we're here...thats the only reason we are here...or should be the only reason. I'll admit that sometimes we forget. Sometimes we forget that its not because of Bike rides, Tennis, meals together, Bridge, long walks, more food, or friends that we moved here. It's during those times of forgetting that a piece of us dies...and its good that it dies. We are not here for ourselves (if I were going to do something for myself it sure wouldnt be this. This is hard!).

There is a scene in the movie "The Outlaw Josie Wales" where Josie (Clint Eastwood) is sitting in a deserted bar in a ghost town when a bounty hunter comes in to kill him for the reward. Josie tells him that he doesnt have to do this...that he can walk away. The bounty hunter says that a man's got to make a livin. Josie responds..."dyin' aint much of a livin boy". I've described that scene many times...just to say that line..."dyin' aint much of a livin boy". But for my brothers and me, dyin' is the only livin.

When things dont go your way, then ya do a little dyin'. When someone says something that you dont like or your offended by...then do a little dyin'. When one of my brothers tells me about something one of my other brothers did to him, then I dont get offended for him, but I have to do a little dyin'.

I love these brothers...they have hurt me, laughed at me, shunned me, and probably cursed me...and the only reason I know this is because I've done it to them. We've all done a little dyin'...some of us have done a lot of dyin'. The closer I am with my brothers the worse they can hurt me, because I make myself vulnerable. I put my heart in your hands brothers...its your job to make me do a little dyin'. Because dyin' is the only way to live.

I will drink the cup, the poison overflowing

I will lift you up, watch over where you're going

The first one in, The last one gone

I'll be the rock to stand upon

For you

My spirit aches and I can't stop this river flowing

In fear I take, each labored breath I draw in knowing

That this could be my last, my final hour

But faith and hope and love give me the power

For you

"Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death

I will fear no evil for you are with me" You are with me

I'll be your salvation though the storm's surrounding

There on our own conditions, lay my body down

In the wake, abondon willing sacrifice

I'll walk through the canyon, bring the shadows life

For you

I will drink the cup, the poison overflowing

I will lift you up, watch over where you're going

The first one in the last one gone I'll be the rock to stand upon

For you

Daddy, help me go the distance!!

He aint heavy...He's my brother

2005-12-29T08:59:00.000-06:00

I have 8 brothers that I live very close to and 1 brother that I don't get to see as often as I would like to. Now, when I say that I live very close to my brothers I mean "very close". The picture you see here is of my neighborhood. Each of the spaces with a number on it represents a residential lot (basically a house and yard). The ones that are colored in are the houses of my brothers and me. My house is the light blue one.
Hopefully that helps you to understand what I mean by "very close".

We haven't always been that close (relationally or geographically). In fact, I would say that some of them I really didn't know at all before about 3 years ago. It's really only been in the last year that I have truly come to know them. That's not to say that there isn't anything left to learn, but you learn which ones you want in the foxhole with you...and which ones want you in the foxhole with them.

It was October of 2003 when we decided to move to this neighborhood together. Now,trust me when I tell you that making this decision was not easy at all. First we selected potential neighborhoods based upon some criteria that we thought was important. Then we voted. I don't want to go into the details but it was very stressful and there were times when I wondered if we would get through it. My brother that doesn't live here in the neighborhood was rather offended over the whole process and has pretty much dug his feet in about ever moving to the neighborhood. I hope I'm wrong and that some day he will move but I don't hold out much hope.

The first brother moved here in October of 2003...he already had a contract on a house in the neighborhood before the vote. The next brother moved in January of 2004, and then one moved in May and another in July. Another brother moved in October 2004. Then in December of 2004, 3 brothers moved in the same week. The last brother to move in was in August of 2005.

So why did 9 crazy brothers that barely know each other move to houses that for the most part are not near as nice as the ones they left. We did it for our Father. We did it so that we could be a better expression of him...together. I cannot put into words the love that we have for our Dad. He has given up so much for us...and he expects nothing in return. He is without a doubt the greatest Dad, in fact he is so great... he's out of this world.

Dad, I know that you are reading this, and I want you to know that we love you, and we desire to be more like you. I love that you gave me life...not just any life...your life. I have your breath inside of me...and your DNA. I feel choosen to be your son...the same way that you choose my brothers to share in that same life of yours. Since way before I can remember you have loved me and my brothers...and we want your greatness to shine through us. Everything good about us is from you. Thank you Daddy. I love you!

The Art of "Being"

2005-12-28T16:54:00.000-06:00

In my previous entry I stumbled into an area that I really hadn't intended to explore. The idea of just being with someone vs. spending time together. I really hadn't put much thought to it (and hopefully at this point your not saying "yeah, I could tell") but rather it sort of just spilled out. It made me think about Jesus and how in the past I worked hard to schedule time that I would spend with the Lord. I always felt really good about myself when I actually followed up and spent time with the Lord. Conversely I always felt disappointed with myself when I failed to spend the scheduled time with Jesus.

But when I let myself just "be" with the Lord then I am just "being" myself with the Lord.

In my previous post I talked about how I love to be with Annette, I also love to be with the Lord. When I am being with the Lord then time doesn't matter. I'm not spending time...I'm not spending anything...I'm just being...And I love just being.

I hope that this doesn't sound like a bunch of semantical hooey ( I borrowed that word from a friend and I probably should give it back). If it does sound like hooey then I haven't communicated properly. You see, spending time with the Lord and being with the Lord are worlds apart...One might even say they are from two very different realms.

Spending time with the Lord or with anyone for that matter, requires an expenditure of time. In other words there is a cost related to spending time with someone...in this case the cost is time. But, if I am just being with someone there is no cost of time. Am I saying that time does not continue its course when I am just being...no, that would be ridiculous, actually time goes in reverse during the time of being with someone (just kidding). Time is continuous and to my knowledge it cannot be stopped...but when I am just being with the Lord...I dont know how to explain it but the world seems to stand still...and my face hurts from smiling so much.

Heres the real kicker...I have brothers and sisters that help me just be with the Lord. There is something inside of me that does not want to "be" with the Lord (that would be the fallen part) but there is a part of me that sprints to "be" with the Lord whenever possible (thats Jesus living inside of me, some people call him the spirit). When those brothers and sisters are around, the holy breath inside of me starts stirring. The breath of God longs to "be" with his other parts and there is a stirring deep within me, surely now my time has come, now I see my own beloved, thank you father we are one it is his breath I am hearing you're the only worthy one. He is calling me, He is calling me. It is finished....finished. All is done, hearts are one, You Lord are the All in All.

Thank you Lord for letting me "be"

My First Blog

2005-12-26T23:21:00.000-06:00

I was just reading some of the Blogs of my friends and it made me want to start my own. I've always been intrigued by the idea of keeping a journal...the problem is that I forget about them or I loose them. Although I may forget about blogging...I dont think I will misplace the internet.

Soooo.....hmmmmm.......not many thoughts rolling around up there........OHHH wait....no, dont want to share that one....although it was very funny.

I guess I'll just share whats on my mind. Its two days after Christmas...no, actually its three days after Christmas, anyway. I found it disappointing this year and I dont really know why. I think it has to do with all the obligations of Christmas day. We started out with Ashley (probably because she lives here) and we were waiting for Tiff and Miguel to get here (always waiting on Tiff). We were supposed to be at my aunt Gails at 10:30 for Christmas lunch and present opening by the whole family. We were also going to pick up my grandmother after she got home from church, to take her with us. Annette was busy cooking the dish that she was supposed to take to my aunts...green bean cassarole. Tiffany finally got here and we ripped through the presents and then got in our cars to go to aunt Gail's. It almost seemed like something we had to do. The time at my aunt Gail's is always enjoyable. Its nice to be with the whole family...but it also feels tiring...I dont know why. Then we were supposed to be at Annettes brothers house at 2:30 to have christmas with her side of the family. At 5:00 we leave and finally have the day to ourselves...which is all I wanted in the first place. I love being with my wife...I dont really mean spending time with her, I mean just being with her. I read what I just wrote and it sounds stupid but there really is a difference. You see...if we are spending time time together then we are both expending something....Time! But, if we are just being with each other then it is effortless and time doesnt matter and there is usually a lot of laughter involved. I laugh more with her than with anybody else I know, and the laughter is usually about something stupid that we did. It really is great to be able to laugh at yourself...I wish more people could experience that kind of laughing. Annette and I are a gold mine of material...trust me!!!

I guess that will do for my first blog.
Thanks Annette for 21 years of laughter...I love you!